I majored in PR and Advertising and those are now the areas I am the worst in, in my life. I canNOT market myself or y'know - the equivalent of it. I am the worst of the lot when it comes to sounding out just what are the cool things you're upto and how. PR - forget it. I have the best PR with the walls in my house bcos they dont market themselves or slot me/categorise me or judge me. LOL. I was at the playground with moms yesterday and I felt like someone else making inane conversation and all the right noises. I know at the back of my mind, this is probably how the world works at one level but it just bugs me. Maybe Im just idiotic.
I just wanna go home.
I realised one of the reasons God intended for us to have kids is its the best way to make sure you learn not to take love for granted. Which other relationship has you putting your bloody goddamn everything into it and then some? Only to have the objects of your affection lap it up like its their birthright and then fly away to everything else the world has to offer? Im talking about wanting their love, not the other way round.
As Nosh and Reh grow, their different personalities are a constant source of puzzlement, delight and frustration to me. Reh who has his heart on his sleeve I realised, is very much not Daniel Goleman's star kid.
Nosh you continuously remind me of my childhood. While I lived on the fringes of a gang that consisted of girlfriends with varying levels of their idea of friendship, there was one who was always nice to me but bcos she was very popular with everyone else, it caused a lot of friction between the others and me who always tried to sour things between us. She was older, already into things that others caught up with months and years later. The fact that we lived close to each other and shared a bus made our friendship a little bit stronger. She was smart enough to have me AND the others on good terms with her. I never understood why she didnt just give them the boot. (as you can see fate probably led me into trying to understand PR but it still hasnt sunk in.) Me though, I couldnt understand jealousy and possessiveness and everything else that goes into girlfriends' relationships and practically cried everyday bcos of the resulting confusion.
I know Nosh has her own issues with her friends, but what I respect about her is she sticks to her guns and has tried to create her own support system, (primarily me) which she uses to keep her going. Its not all about doing anything to fit in. Her life doesnt revolve so much around her friends that she dissolves at the thought of cancelled playdates or friends choosing other people to play with. I remember the world used to crumble around me if I couldnt join my friends for a party or wasnt allowed to spend time with them. In school though, I see she's well-liked and well-adjusted. Nosh is very content to be home with us. She has her moments of sadness with school and friends but on the whole holds up allright! She says her best friends are her teacher and me. I think that says a lot for her.
Her confidence and this set-up here that allows one teacher to teach most subjects and thereby she's practically a surrogate mom since she's spending almost six hours with her students!
Back when I was a kid, I lived an hours bus ride away from school, home life and school life were two separate compartments and my parents werent that big a part of the school system as I would have liked.
This way though, the kids here have a feeling that their parents are right behind them I think and its a wonderful feeling.
While Reh is loud and momentary about his feelings, whats the word? He doesnt think of understanding people in the long-term. Making a picture about their personality. Trying to figure out what makes them tick or who they are. Its like he lives in his head and is busy trying to understand his dinosaurs and cars really.
Nosh though, gets to the nitty-gritty of it and I love this about her - will not let someone else's meanness or rudeness get to her. Unless its coming from someone she adores and then she's puzzled and retreats. Me on the other hand - I'd better not go there. I still have grudges from 20 years ago. LOL!!!!
I was having this conversation with the other moms during a classmates birthday party and it was such a DUH moment for me when someone with three daughters said girls are just more emotional. Of course! Why didnt I figure that out sooner?!! Esp since I am a right brained eejit myself. Thats why as Nosh's been growing last year, suddenly some things arent so simple anymore. While a kiss and a hug set Reh on his way, Nosh needs more time and words and ears.
How could I forget those years when I understood things, felt things but couldnt name the feelings, couldnt handle them and then the world didnt seem as easy to navigate? I know I understood and observed a lot of things as a child that were not expected of a child of my age. Or people have been going through the same things forever but you just forget as you get older.
You still behaved like a child but you knew so much more. All during those times, I remember a vague feeling of dread too. I didnt know what would set me free, I didnt want to carry the burden of all this knowledge that I couldnt even process for the most part but still carried with me. Y'know that thing about children understanding whats going on. They know. They just know. It might be a vague or strong feeling but it still has us by the forelock.
Maybe if I'd felt there was a safe place for me to turn to.
I think if I do nothing else right, I'll die happy knowing I was that safe place for my children.
Its not easy. Being kind.
