I hope

I was never the queasy type. Insects, rodents, reptiles, blood, icky unidentified substances, violence, none of these things made me go soft in the stomach or light in the head. People, friends, girlfriends were often amazed at my unflinching, unwavering handling of things or situations that otherwise made them squirm, made them gag or made them uneasy. 

That is until I became a mother.

Now, I have the lightest of stomachs, shortest of control over gag-inducing situations or objects and no patience with violence and insensitivity. I also fatigue easily. That never used to happen before either. I used to keep going on and on and I dont think other than needing to get my 40 winks, I was averse to activity.

Whatever happened in Mumbai over the past 4 days has tired me beyond anything in my life this far. Through two pregnancies, caring for children and loneliness in a country so far from home and family, I have been finally so tired of a everything that happened that I'm not sure I am the same person anymore.  I have been having nightmares and sleeping very little. I keep going over and over each and every news article whether it's about the dogs that helped or bizarre connections and inane comments. I have been glued to the TV and my husband very concernedly asked me to distance myself for the sake of mental peace and control. But still I went back like I was addicted. 

I was crushed on knowing about Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan. Not because I knew him, we're from the same hometown in Kerala, it reminded me of the other brave soldier there who died fighting in the Kargil war, the road and maidan that were named after him then, the family and their raw pain is still fresh in my memory after all those years. Captain Vikram.

I cried along with his mom every time the clip came on TV and still I ddint understand what my angst was about. It should have ended then with the catharsis but it still didnt. I checked out his Orkut profile and all the snaps he recently loaded there, I heard his Dad talk about how he had a ticket booked for Calicut to attend his friend's wedding there and again I went back to the picture of him and his mom five minutes ago. And then I realised I knew her pain as a mother.

I knew, I can imagine what it must have felt like to have raised such a strapping, young, handsome man, see him so passionate about his life and work and feel the loss of control over his decision to take up such a job. Not knowing when and where he would be. Feeling proud of him but also living in fear. And now he was gone.  Her dreams, her life's work, going before her. The way she caressed him and spoke to him was something new to me. I hug my children, I talk to them but the sheer love and gentle strength in her persona was an eye-opener to me. I can see she was ravaged with the pain of losing him, a shocked, sad, pleading, loving, mom. Almost like she was saying 'nai mere bachche you're going to be ok.' Which is what I know I would tell my child if he or she went before me God forbid. That I knew they were going to be fine and it would only be a matter of time before I joined them where ever they are. Which is what I tell myself everytime I miss my Father. but I also saw how she knew what was going on, she was very much in control of herself, at least I felt so in the way she touched him. I would have frozen to a statue. She was grieving and bidding him good-bye, calling him 'mone' (son) over and over and thats when I realised why I had suddenly become so sensitive after having children. They make you vulnerable. I wouldnt beg for my own life but for them I would.

Everything in my life now is governed by what they would think, how they would feel, where should they be now, what should/could they be doing, I am forever seeing everything through their eyes. Thus the light stomach now.

We have travelling to do at the end of this month. Trepidation is a mild term for what I feel while thinking about it. I know for a fact if it was just me, I'd give a toss about anything. But putting myself in a situation like what happened at the Taj, makes me freeze. Where would I run with a 5 and 4 yr old? How would I keep them quiet? How can you make a 4 yr old understand? He would probably stare fascinated at the AK-47 and the man holding it.

What would I do? Break a window and signal to someone to catch the baby I throw out the window? There's no point in me hiding anywhere, kids would make that difficult. I personally am not afraid of death but its painful for me to think that I couldnt save my children's lives.  I know for a fact Nosh would never live it down. She still remembers things about my Fathers illness Iam surprised for. R was at Taj last year and few times before as were other relatives. Anyone who's been in Mumbai would know its like someone entering your home and you're helpless at the carnage the terrorists left behind. Nothing feels safe anymore. How can people function in a fear psychosis mode? 

How does the govt of India now go forward from here in keeping up the morale of the people, in making them feel they are being taken care of, their lives are valued? I mean a crore and a petrol station cant make up for a lifetime of pain and losing a loved one. Children growing up without their fathers and mothers going about like ghosts in a house that once echoed with the energy of her son and his life. Its too much to comprehend. What would Mrs. Dhanalakshmi Unnikrishnan have to look forward to now? She's another soul that has to live with grief and memories of her son who's so far away now, each minute spent awake without him must be torture. I know she must be proud of him, I know his life and death were honoured. But that doesnt and never will make up for the emptiness she must feel for losing her son. I dont know him but I miss him. I pretty much get the picture that he was a livewire of a man, loved his job, I felt and was correct when I read the messages on his profile left by his friends that he was a kind man with an adventurer's spirit. If he'd lived on he would have been the source of a lot of happy times in his family. I am writing this wondering what life would be like if it was my son and I was in his mom's place. I just feel anger at those misguided terrorists, kids themselves, brainwashed and so utterly stupid. Their stupidity caused this. Their callousness caused this. 

I dont know how sensible this sounds but once upon a time, I too was excited about life and its possibilities. Now though, everything for me begins and ends with my children. I hope Sandeep's Mom and Dad can find a semblance of acceptance and peace soon, I hope their life has enough and more family and people to fill it up with tenderness, generosity and love. So that they can live with the memory of their son and still live life the way Sandeep would have wanted them to.  I have the same prayer for everyone who lost someone in this carnage.

Rumi said it

"Unless You give no one gives.
O Creator, unlock the gates of your bounty.
"He turned his face to heaven and said,
"No one knows my devotion save You.
You put that prayer into my heart.
You raised a hundred hopes."

-Rumi, "Mathnawi"

dis n dat

Blogger swallowed up a whole post - has that happened to anyone? You post the post, view it and then go back to correct a spelling mistake and then it just disappears. A post which actually made sense to you. Bah.

Rehliner - R regularly tips Reh on what he's doing is big boy stuff or big boy behaviour or not. Incentive to behave and all dat. Last week something happened and R said - thats not what big boys do Reh, you're not behaving like a big boy! Reh goes - but I AM a big boy - I wear underwear!!

Ladies and ladies we are now a houseful of potty trained people. No more trips to the diaper aisle. No more being on tenterhooks in car and other houses upon forgetting spare diapers. Lighter bags. No more treats and desperate promises and deals made in the vicinity of the pot/john/comfort station to get one's kid to use it. No more. It is a brand new day and we are now actively researching and trying out loos at various stores and houses whether I like to or not, the only advantage being boys dont need to sit while handling their business. Thank God. I suspend him from up there, ask him to aim right and get the hell out the store bathroom. Yes, I miss diapers at such moments but on the whole, we are a pound(s) lighter. Yaayyhhoohaay!

Summer vacation plan - try out every icecream/flavour pictured on the icecream truck that does the rounds by our house. And there's many. Google eyed Nosh couldnt believe I actually agreed to her plan. Told her there's an orange flavoured ice with vanilla inside that we should get next since those are her fav flavours and her jaw dropped. "Really? There's an ice cream like that?!!" sliding out of her chair in amazing delighted earnestness. You'd think she was talking about an island getaway. Oh yeah Nosh - you wait. Just you wait. You and me and Reh can lie next to each other getting our tonsils out and reminiscing about the good times we had slurping on cherry flavoured ice bars. Oh yeah. All we need are the rockers on the front porch.

Prayer for Nosh n Reh

I came upon this wonderful piece, a prayer Douglas MacArthur wrote for his son. He could'nt have said it better.

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Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.

Build me a son whose wishes will not take the place of deeds; a son who will know Thee-and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.

Lead him I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail.

Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high, a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.

And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humour, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility,so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the weakness of true strength.

Then I, his father will dare to whisper, "I have not lived in vain".

Prayers

I have those moments in flow with prayers when what I'm trying to ask for comes out just right. When it does, it makes me happy and feel at peace too. Know what I mean?

Today while on my prayer mat, I put forth a prayer to God that my children realise, understand and believe that they are truly loved. I hope they really know what it feels like to have someone cherish and value you. Early on. Really early on preferably. Not necessarily from me or anyone in particular, maybe any soul that makes them feel they are fine the way they are and that they are loved despite bad days, bad decisions and in bad times. A teacher, a friend, a relative, a parent, themselves!. Just that one moment (hopefully many times over) when they know they are special and liked and cared for. When they know for themselves they are important, their happiness is important to someone else and themselves. The kind where the love they feel propels them to do better, making the sky the limit to which they can do business.
The business of living their lives exemplarily.

When they know looking after themselves will mean their own happiness and the happiness of the people who love them.

I mean I really want that for them. I feel knowing that will tide them over all kinds of situations and times. It might also make better people out of them when they reciprocate and pass on that love and acceptance they themselves feel to other people.

It would be awesome when they can and successfully make other people feel loved too.

It means so much to me because it's alright to go through the motions of everyday living when one doesn't realise what one is blessed with. Sometimes it takes a bad situation to realise what you lost and how lucky you were. Bad situations have their place in life to make or break you but I feel having the advantage of knowing you're valued might just tilt the balance in favour of taking the right decision. Of course that's if they respect the fact that they're loved and understand it's worth. To know and recognise that one is loved is not a small thing. To feel that from a person you respect and love yourself is even better I think. Not necessary though.

So maybe I should pray for them to be blessed with the wisdom and understanding to be able to see through, understand and sift the truth correctly from whatever's happening around, to and with them and have the courage to stand by it. To know when someone genuinely wants what's best for them. Who that someone is from those who don't. To have some foresight to see how their present might affect their future. (This is where I hope R's genes did their bit in showing up in their DNA...)
To recognise when to take care of their own interests and when it's necessary to make decisions in the interests of the larger good.
Please Dear Lord - Bless Nosh and Reh with your love, grace and attention. Please make sure they stay on the right path. When and if they do stray please bring them back before it's too late. Please take care of them and love them. We love you and need you.