Pink in a rainbow?

"Mom - is there pink in a rainbow?" Reh asked me. 

"No", I said, "not really" wondering if I should explain how he probably saw a shade of pink but wondering myself but there's no white there for the red to mix with so....

"But I saw pink in a rainbow this morning." 

"Where?" I asked.

"At school when we were playing outside." 

"Oh really?" happy that he noted a rainbow and remembered to later tell me about it.

"Yea!"

"Maybe there is a pink then." I said.

" Yea thats a different kind of rainbow" said Reh with a delighted, earnestness. Glad to share that bit of world wisdom with mom.

Sure Reh. You're right.  Might have a been a special one just for you.

Goleman here I come

You know - I never thought it was going to be this hard. I never thought I was going to think yea my parents handled me the best they could. I always thought I was going to sit on my high-horse and say nope, they never understood me. But guess what. What goes around went and came back to bit me in the proverbial butt. I was gifted a child with my own temperament and to make it a little more interesting in case I get bored, with an extra X chromosome to boot.

So add to the tempestousness of living-in-the-moment, there is the aggression, the lack of accessories like language (boys are less detail oriented than girls as far as language goes I think - at least in my case) and oh boy - throw in the calm and angelic sister and I can't for the life of me understand how or where to begin to make Reh understand the world doesnt exist for him. Then there's the insult to injury. I cant keep up with all the cool things his Dad stands for. Boy things. The person in me wants to turn arround and harrumph. The mom in me obviously cant. Of course for all the nitty-gritties of life I'm indispensible but. Of course.
Try not to be jealous ok?

I remember what it was like for me as a kid. I had the best of intentions but strict parents. So there were all these things I wanted to do and oh my! with the immediacy of now - it has to be Now!! Lets sign up for Bharatanatyam now daddy, now - mom! tell dad while all the while they knew this was a phase, I was doing it bcos everyone else around me was doing it (No, but I really wish I had learnt, I do love the dance) and so on and so forth it went, everything had a do or die feel to it, if I didnt get the pencil box I wanted, my grades would be dismal, if I didnt go for that party I would end up gawaar and so out of the loop, if I didnt get that friend, life was hopeless. Why am I still alive?!! That was who I was.
Now I see the same thing in my son where his eyes and every pore in his body screams for gratification, instantly and I internally somersault between how do I make him understand and the frustration of the daily drama.

Case in point - We were walking down the block today, to go pick Nosh and a stray cat comes over to get petted and Reh went ballistic. Mom can we take it home, mom this pet was sent for me (I kid you not), mom I'm not coming, you go pick Nosh. I thought he was kidding and I hid a little further down to make him feel I was serious about leaving him there if he didnt buck up. But no, to my shock, he stayed with the cat till the cat decided Reh had nothing for her and she better take her flirty self somewhere else if she wanted lunch. Then and only then does he look up to search for me and makes a beeline for the bend in the road where he thought I'd disappeared off to. Of course I'm zapped.
Did I mention Reh knows no regular fears that toddlers normally do and we as parents use to our advantage? Bogeyman, police, darkness, being lost, none of that. So all those options are out for me. Getting him in line for me is a physical task. No but this post isnt about that.

Then as we waited at the school, a friend from his school who has a sibling in this school turns up. They meet like long-lost brothers in the park and while his mom looks at me pleasantly surprised (playdate option?!!) I groan inwardly knowing now it was going to be a battle of mythic proportions to get him out of the school park to to his sisters school when the bell rang. Luckily the other mom got her son out of there first but for those three minutes of us cajoling and threatening our sons to come on out, I felt already like I was gearing up for a showdown.
And then of course I see the hurt in his eyes about the loss of a good time he was anticipating. The crestfallen face and furrowed brows. I understand, I feel bad and I remember. How as a child we felt disappointment with our entire beings.

The fear I have is that like me he will give up. I know its never going to happen in so many odd years and I hope and pray none of those circumstances in my life repeat themselves in his for him to get that tired but the fear laughs menacingly at me.

This post was about me knowing whats in his mind because I was there and feeling perfectly helpless about jumping the fence. I was tired of listening to you cant do this and you cant do that. I was also tired of listening to 'because I say so'. From my own parents. That much I try to give him. Explanations - but where I was willing to understand whether I wanted to or not, he has his eyes on the goal. Nothing will stop him. He's a sweet, protective, kid but if he wants/needs to do something, its a battle. This time it's a pet. This morning it was a Nintendo. Last night it was to sleep with him and not his sis. Everything has this baby aggression tied to it that I do not want building up or staying undealt with, in him. I tried explaining allergies, lets wait till you're older, nintendos -you need to know how to read, I'll lay down with you till you fall asleep, but no all I can see is the breathless anticipation and excitedness and remember my own enthusiasm once upon a time. And I'm torn.

Can you believe that halfway through the night he wakes up (every night) and comes stomping/hurt and running to jump into my bed grumbling about why I left him there? and promptly falls asleep once he's in between me and R. He still remembers why he cried every morning while going to school last year. I didnt know but now he tells me it was because I used to send him off on a bus and not pick or drop him like I used to earlier. He said it in a resigned understanding oh well way. You could have knocked me out with a feather. Maybe he used to say it then, I was in a hurry to let it register but I'm surprised he still remembers. And I dont want him to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Oh and thats something he got from me too grrrrrr...)

What he needs is a P.G. Wodehouse kinda mom. Oh and y'know - oh cut the crap already kinda.
Whump! That was my head flopping face-down on the keyboard.

So...

Well three weeks into school and its been a sea-change at home. The most obvious change is not having Nosh around. Second is that since Reh goes for half a day, we're able to spend one on one time with each other and that is a huge blessing. I see a huge change in his behaviour when he and I can just spend time together without him competing for it from everyone else. I also see that it's so much more easier since he's older, I know how to handle him, I've been in more demanding situations and him alone is a piece of cake by far. He just enjoys the spotlight on him.

But Nosh, O My God, I miss her so much. Without going into the low-points of it, I think I want to outline what I can do to maximise our time together and make it just as effective and special.

I used to not let her help with household chores, mainly because I felt it would stop the flow of my doing things the way I do them and well - bottom line it was just a distraction. Now though I can see that's the best way for us to spend time together because we'd be in physically close and talking and once Reh's got his fill he's not around clamoring for attention. Washing clothes should be fun, lettings her load the machine and pour soap. Leaving plastic dishes for her to scrub and rinse should be fun, God knows she's been asking me every night for the past coupla years practically. But most excitingly, I think I'm going to let her cook. As in prep food for cooking or even simple things like salads -getting the food, washing, arranging et al. She's a craftsbody so I do have to get her one of those project tables, I'm tired of seeing glue, scraps, fabric, scissors in the most oddest of places. Yesterday I switched on the treadmill and a scissor fell out the top ledge. There was a colouring book and box of crayons by the toilet. Someone was busy by it while on it?!!

We have a major re-arranging of furniture to do. I have to get my own work table move all my stuff out of Noshs room. We bought her a desk and hutch when we moved in here but I was using it. Now she has her own books, homework, folders, projects, things to put away in drawers, I have to give her back her desk! I have to get one for Reh too, he's never had one, the dining table was our be-all, end-all table but I'm tired of carting stuff from one room to another. I'm also tired of having things in different drawers all over the house, I'd rather everyone had their things in their own rooms. So much to do!

Nosh got her own library card yesterday!!!!! And we went at 8 at night because I decided we have to celebrate and she picked out her own books, checked them out with her own card and was hopping and skipping all the way home. I was too. Thank God it was dark in the parking lot. It's another thing that she still cant see the librarian on the other side of the high table though!! I'm not redundant yet!

We had Meet The Teacher night two days ago and her teacher is someone more than I could have asked for. She has 10 children of her own (same marriage, no multiple kids), I know that gets mixed reactions but for me it means she loves children among other things. nine boys and a girl. After her last kid was 2 and ready for school, she was mortified about having no kids around her and then decided to get her Masters in Education from Adelphi and got into one of the best schools in NY (ours ;) but taught 2nd grade for 12 years. The minute she heard last year that they were making KG a full-time program this year and the former teacher was retiring, she hot-footed it to the Principal and begged (in her words) to be allowed to teach KG and she was and this is her dream come true. So its another adavantage in my eyes that she's back to doing what she loves to do for the first time this year.

They had a KG teachers convention this summer vacation. Guess where? Vegas!!! LOL!!!! She went, was delighted to meet more than a 1000 KG teachers from all over the country and came away with some valuable lessons. One of which (I have to tell you guys this- its so brill) There is a Home station in the classroom with pretend kid-sized kitchen, cribs for babies etc etc. You can imagine the amount of things that would be in there. When the kids are done it used to be a pain for the teachers to put everything back (hey! us at home here too!) so one of the things she learnt at the convention was to take pictures of what each cupboard, area looked like clean, what goes where, and the kids have a great time, seriously coming and looking at the pics to see what goes where and diligently reproduce the same neatness! I thought it was a great idea, a game even. I'm going to do the same soon!

She was so excited about the school year and one thing she said made me eyes tear up. She told me that the first day we went too, the day me, nosh and reh got a surprise visit. She said she would do everything possible in her power to make sure my child would feel 'safe'. Which means creating a space where she wouldn't feel ridiculed no matter what, every feeling, every question, every thought would be validated and just the feeling that no matter how or where she was in her life, she was going to be accepted wholeheartedly. Now, I know it's not easy for a teacher looking after 17 kids or so. But for her to know thats exactly what a child needs now and thats her main focus, I think her heart is in the right place. She's firm where she needs to be and her prescence of mind will be the right thing for the kids.

I think so.

She was nervous about talking to adults and I so understood that!!

No wonder Nosh has a woebegone look when its time to come home. She looks around prolonging the leaving, searching out every friend she can to wave bye to and dragging her feet.

Guess what - since we live close by, I dont drive to school, me and Reh walk it up and the three of us walk back together, talking about whatever happened in school. Of course winter wont allow us that lovely time soon.

One thing I came away with was that I think the most successful people are those whose parents let them be. I mean it's one thing to push them, help them out of their comfort zones and all that but its another thing to just let them grow at their own pace too. You can never be a child again and I know for sure if we as parents wanted, it Could be a wonderful place to be in. With all its insecurities and fear and wonder. I just hope I can be that mom. Before anyone writes in saying they're sure I am and all that, trust me, I know I could have done a million times better. So its not looking for validation. I have let my sensitive kid be toughened and broken promises many a time to let myself think I have been a sensitive, have my finger on your pulse mom. I have'nt. I wish I could have retained Noshi's sweetness the way it was coupla years ago. I'm certain its in there in her somewhere still but I see a layer of pretended and sometimes real nonchalance when I should be seeing the oppositte there. And I begin to berate myself for having ignored or toughened up on her. I think it was a result of having been mired in my own issues and also an irritation of wanting her to get independent sooner. I must have my heart in the right place though because I miss her even when she's asleep or downstairs and there are nights I've woken her up to apologise or make-up. Its another grace of God's though that he made little kids so ready to forgive and open to love. I think maybe when you're a kid, you only know how to love a parent. Center of universe and all that. I'm being blase' bcos it's so precious a feeling and I know I cant do justice to it.

I think these are the best years of my life. Woohoo!!!!

Rehliner

Nosh in a moment of gay abandon kissed Reh. Sez the funnyman of the family - "Dont kiss me Nosh! I'll turn into a frog!"

Look at what Reh did!

I found this yesterday evening in Reh's room just after I'd settled them down in front of the TV downstairs. I came back upstairs to tidy up the rooms and Reh is the sort of kid who likes his privacy. I know at the age of three you think - what privacy??? but thats how he is. Locks his room from the inside out even if he's going to school just so no one goes inside and does what God knows. Read his diary? (Any Scorpios out there who want to enlighten me?)

He likes to arrange all his toys in some order only he knows the rules to and God forbid anyone dismantles that order then he's an upset little boy. I tried reasoning with him, (since I'm the bull in the china shop that invariably scatters the cars or blocks around or sends them tumbling) but to no avail. He enjoys the sorting and placing them in various spots in the room and I thought so be it. Whether it's a phase or a order/disorder ( gulp! God forbid) God knows, there's no way but to just play along with him. It's another thing that you cant walk into his room without thinking it's landmine filled and you better practice walking on eggshells or risk an amputated toe. or perforations in your heel thanks to the blocks. I managed to once even send myself sailing out of the room with my foot on a car, cartoon style. Since then I'm always wary around steps bcos I dont want my foot to land on a ball and then have a whiplash or worse. But I digress.

Yesterday like I was typing, I went in to clean and there I saw this on the bed. The two teddy bears, all tucked in and I was thrilled. Reh loves playing house with his sis, it's not like he's a car and guns kind of boy but this was the first time that he tucked the two teddy bears into bed without it being some prompt in an imaginary play with Nosh. Or maybe it was the first time that I noticed since they were isolated little bears and not in the middle of the menagerie elsewhere with the others.

But I was thrilled. Thrilled to bits. That there was some sweet game/scene going on his head in his room behind his door and that led to him tucking the two bears in. **sigh**

From the mouth of the babes...

The funniest conversation I've ever had with Reh happened yesterday. R called to say we'd be going out to dinner so I got both Nosh n Reh ready. In between I was straightening up the house and putting out lights, switching off the TV, all of that stuff. One minute I could hear Nosh yakkety-yakking and suddenly all was quiet. So I asked Reh where Nosh was and I heard him running from one room to the next and suddenly he announces very hey-my-chance-to-be-the-all-knowing-and-Nosh-is-being-silly-tone...."she's sleeping around"!!

Help! I dropped whatever I was doing gadzooked, wondering when and if ever me or R had used those words and if I'd heard Reh correctly so I asked him again and he repeated it back to me just the same way. So I went to see what was up and I realised Nosh had been plopping off and on various pieces of furniture before finally falling asleep on the sofa, boots, mittens and all. Reh in his mind saw her lying on this sofa then another and and another till she finally dozed off on one. Hence the "sleeping around". Geez....if anyone can be laughing themselves silly and worried wondering when he's going to say it in front of someone else, that was me.

Chuckles...

This was Reh's reaction when this time in India, my sister tried a new hairstyle on Nosh and asked Reh what he thought about it....

You're supposed to.

I see how Reh and Nosh love differently too. Nosh needs phyical closeness whereas Reh only gets clingy if he's sleepy or has something to talk about. He has his moments where he loves to chat and a good conversation makes him very agreeable. Mostly though, he's too busy zipping, sliding and slipping around to sit and cuddle.

Today was a day where I had to ask for some affection. Since it was falling on deaf ears, I asked him if I should go back to the hospital and get him a new mommy (desperate situations call for desperate measures?!) and immediately - he locked spirits with me and went on a hugging and kissing spree which quickly filled up my near empty tank. He also said he doesnt want any other mommy, I'll do just fine. Yaay.

Lol- he said I love You and I nodded and he goes - "You're supposed to say I Love You too back". Thats not a small thing. He was right. You're supposed to.

Yesterday afternoon while we were waiting in the car for Nosh to finish with her reading class, Reh gave me 3 quick pecks. Before each one, he inhaled and then kissed and it made me laugh. I don't normally question specifics but I asked him why he needed to do that and he goes, you should breathe in, smell in the person first. This from a 3 year old.

Chuckle. I hope whoever his wife is going to be, enjoys his sensuous loving. Someday, whenever.