Goleman here I come

You know - I never thought it was going to be this hard. I never thought I was going to think yea my parents handled me the best they could. I always thought I was going to sit on my high-horse and say nope, they never understood me. But guess what. What goes around went and came back to bit me in the proverbial butt. I was gifted a child with my own temperament and to make it a little more interesting in case I get bored, with an extra X chromosome to boot.

So add to the tempestousness of living-in-the-moment, there is the aggression, the lack of accessories like language (boys are less detail oriented than girls as far as language goes I think - at least in my case) and oh boy - throw in the calm and angelic sister and I can't for the life of me understand how or where to begin to make Reh understand the world doesnt exist for him. Then there's the insult to injury. I cant keep up with all the cool things his Dad stands for. Boy things. The person in me wants to turn arround and harrumph. The mom in me obviously cant. Of course for all the nitty-gritties of life I'm indispensible but. Of course.
Try not to be jealous ok?

I remember what it was like for me as a kid. I had the best of intentions but strict parents. So there were all these things I wanted to do and oh my! with the immediacy of now - it has to be Now!! Lets sign up for Bharatanatyam now daddy, now - mom! tell dad while all the while they knew this was a phase, I was doing it bcos everyone else around me was doing it (No, but I really wish I had learnt, I do love the dance) and so on and so forth it went, everything had a do or die feel to it, if I didnt get the pencil box I wanted, my grades would be dismal, if I didnt go for that party I would end up gawaar and so out of the loop, if I didnt get that friend, life was hopeless. Why am I still alive?!! That was who I was.
Now I see the same thing in my son where his eyes and every pore in his body screams for gratification, instantly and I internally somersault between how do I make him understand and the frustration of the daily drama.

Case in point - We were walking down the block today, to go pick Nosh and a stray cat comes over to get petted and Reh went ballistic. Mom can we take it home, mom this pet was sent for me (I kid you not), mom I'm not coming, you go pick Nosh. I thought he was kidding and I hid a little further down to make him feel I was serious about leaving him there if he didnt buck up. But no, to my shock, he stayed with the cat till the cat decided Reh had nothing for her and she better take her flirty self somewhere else if she wanted lunch. Then and only then does he look up to search for me and makes a beeline for the bend in the road where he thought I'd disappeared off to. Of course I'm zapped.
Did I mention Reh knows no regular fears that toddlers normally do and we as parents use to our advantage? Bogeyman, police, darkness, being lost, none of that. So all those options are out for me. Getting him in line for me is a physical task. No but this post isnt about that.

Then as we waited at the school, a friend from his school who has a sibling in this school turns up. They meet like long-lost brothers in the park and while his mom looks at me pleasantly surprised (playdate option?!!) I groan inwardly knowing now it was going to be a battle of mythic proportions to get him out of the school park to to his sisters school when the bell rang. Luckily the other mom got her son out of there first but for those three minutes of us cajoling and threatening our sons to come on out, I felt already like I was gearing up for a showdown.
And then of course I see the hurt in his eyes about the loss of a good time he was anticipating. The crestfallen face and furrowed brows. I understand, I feel bad and I remember. How as a child we felt disappointment with our entire beings.

The fear I have is that like me he will give up. I know its never going to happen in so many odd years and I hope and pray none of those circumstances in my life repeat themselves in his for him to get that tired but the fear laughs menacingly at me.

This post was about me knowing whats in his mind because I was there and feeling perfectly helpless about jumping the fence. I was tired of listening to you cant do this and you cant do that. I was also tired of listening to 'because I say so'. From my own parents. That much I try to give him. Explanations - but where I was willing to understand whether I wanted to or not, he has his eyes on the goal. Nothing will stop him. He's a sweet, protective, kid but if he wants/needs to do something, its a battle. This time it's a pet. This morning it was a Nintendo. Last night it was to sleep with him and not his sis. Everything has this baby aggression tied to it that I do not want building up or staying undealt with, in him. I tried explaining allergies, lets wait till you're older, nintendos -you need to know how to read, I'll lay down with you till you fall asleep, but no all I can see is the breathless anticipation and excitedness and remember my own enthusiasm once upon a time. And I'm torn.

Can you believe that halfway through the night he wakes up (every night) and comes stomping/hurt and running to jump into my bed grumbling about why I left him there? and promptly falls asleep once he's in between me and R. He still remembers why he cried every morning while going to school last year. I didnt know but now he tells me it was because I used to send him off on a bus and not pick or drop him like I used to earlier. He said it in a resigned understanding oh well way. You could have knocked me out with a feather. Maybe he used to say it then, I was in a hurry to let it register but I'm surprised he still remembers. And I dont want him to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Oh and thats something he got from me too grrrrrr...)

What he needs is a P.G. Wodehouse kinda mom. Oh and y'know - oh cut the crap already kinda.
Whump! That was my head flopping face-down on the keyboard.