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Confession: I didnt fast this Ramzan. For the first time in my whole life. I went through this month which is almost coming to an end having survived just one fast. You have to know me to understand the meaning behind this. I was the one who never left one day of fasting despite international travel, pregnancies, being away from home, no hope of good food (hostel years) et al. This year, I just didnt have the strength or the inclination. I had the best intentions before the month started. When it did though, I just felt a multitude of feelings that overwhelmed me AND made me sit up straight. I was mix of rebellion and just tired. Plain tired.
Tired physically yea, but thats not it. I was tired of thinking of everything I used to be doing in religion as a way of showing my love and faithfulness for God. Prove it to me, prove it to me....that bit I was tired of. Maybe it's not the norm for it to be thought of that way but in my head, thats how I've been letting religion run my life.
Before anyone mistakes me, I am not a fanatic, I love my religion, havent given up on it or anything, my faith runs stronger today than ever before. I'm not a fundu either.
In this country far away from home, I grew used to having RBC Radio on all the time, not just when I want to listen to songs. It was my only link to listening to Hindi, brought up memories, made me happy, sad, excited, angry, whatever in only a way that something you grew up with can. Music does that right? So I have it on all through the night too. God knows I've had only the radio for company through rocking babies to sleep a hundred times through the night, through RSV and puking and sickness and health. Thanks to that, I get up in the morning and am greeted by bhajans. Initially I used to switch it off, like a scared reaction, like I might listen to something I might end up liking. Slowly through rushed mornings it was'nt switched off and some of them I liked listening to, grew accustomed to hearing. I also knew it reminded me of my own faith bcos all said and done, it's a feeling. To acknowledge the Creator and give thanks, ask for help.

Likewise, I know I wouldnt be wrong in saying Islam has a way of running religion based on fear. I know it could be the interpretations of generations that worked but as soon as I was old enough to think, I realised it didnt work for me. I obeyed and I felt a blind love but the minute I discovered the Christian way of looking at things, I adopted the attitude. I brought that attitude into my own faith and since then my life is just one big conversation with Allah. I have never felt better or more mired or convinced of my own faith.
All this to explain Iam not a fundu.
So why didnt I fast? Like I said, I was tired of proving myself, my love or my leanings. I know those are not the requirements or reasons for fasting. Thats just why I took a break this year. After my fathers death and a couple more hard knocks, I am way too tired to take on any more hardship and definitely not hunger lol!
I know now what a man must feel like to keep having to bring flowers or dig out luscious bits of poetry or innovative ways of romancing to show his feelings or keep the love alive. I mean surely it has its place and advantages but sometimes it should be enough to believe that he does love you. And I do love my Lord. I just hope and pray he forgives my weakness as of this year and my refusal to obey this one time. Or maybe there'll be more. I dont know. I just hope my entry into heaven is not going to be barred bcos I couldnt pass up a few meals. You know what I've been upto all my life God...so cut me some slack ok? ;)