I'm

....getting in my own way. 

get out nat.                          and make way for life.

Get out.

OUT. 

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I'm going for a massage tommorrow. I havent been to a professional one in a  while. Actually never. I'm looking forward to it. In a quiet way.

I feel like a student with a jhola and glasses kind of feeling in my head bcos I want to see what this is all about for me now. I've lost touch with my physically - how should I put it? - that sense of relaxing in the physical. I dont know if I'm making sense. It used to be, when I got a massage or even a haircut, the sensation of someone being kind to my body put this hum through me and relaxed me. That stopped happening a while ago. Years ago. Try as I might I didnt have the patience to sit through a haircut or a massage with giving in. I just wanted it to be over with, run. A facial used to awaken me in some ways. Clean, felt present in the moment, then it became just a yearly necessity before a party or so. And even then it didnt quite feel the same.

A week before leaving for the wedding in India, I went to have my nails done for the first time. I dont know why, just to look more groomed than having mommy-nails cut to the quick I guess. Also to add to the one nice part about me that hadnt fluffed up like the rest of me has over the years. My hands. 

So during that nail session, the beautician (what do u call a nail dresser anyway? nail aesthetician?) gave a quick 10 second massage of my hands, she was this petite, svelte Far Eastern woman, the strength in her hands shocked me. And brought tears to my eyes because I instantly felt the 'taken care of' feeling. Someone was giving me their best. To make me feel good. I think. It was that and many other sensations but I literally felt a crackwhip of feeling generate in some neuron in my brain that was lying dormant for aeons. I was happy to meet that part of me again and know it was alive and what it did for my stress levels lasted days. just the ten seconds. So I've been mulling over it for a while and have decided to take the head and neck massage as a way of getting in touch with my physical self.

I thought about it and wondered - we do things for our spirit, soul, finance etc, whether its religion or spirituality or saving or spending, we do things for most other parts of our personal lives to keep them alive and contributing to our well-being so why was there so less for the physical part? I know I exercise, I might eat right but there was this essential element I think that might just tilt the balance in favour of many other areas - the tactile element. 

Im going to try it out tommorrow. Hopefully it will put me back in touch with myself like I said, hopefully it'll ring a bell in my baby memory slot somewhere where being massaged, held, cuddled and just touched meant happiness. 

Wellness. I'm craving wellness. 

Maybe that feeling of wellness will mean less emotional eating, less distraction from my real purposes of living, more kindness, more settled'ness, settled in my head, in my solar plexus, less scatterbrainedness, more energy, more smiles.