I hope

I was never the queasy type. Insects, rodents, reptiles, blood, icky unidentified substances, violence, none of these things made me go soft in the stomach or light in the head. People, friends, girlfriends were often amazed at my unflinching, unwavering handling of things or situations that otherwise made them squirm, made them gag or made them uneasy. 

That is until I became a mother.

Now, I have the lightest of stomachs, shortest of control over gag-inducing situations or objects and no patience with violence and insensitivity. I also fatigue easily. That never used to happen before either. I used to keep going on and on and I dont think other than needing to get my 40 winks, I was averse to activity.

Whatever happened in Mumbai over the past 4 days has tired me beyond anything in my life this far. Through two pregnancies, caring for children and loneliness in a country so far from home and family, I have been finally so tired of a everything that happened that I'm not sure I am the same person anymore.  I have been having nightmares and sleeping very little. I keep going over and over each and every news article whether it's about the dogs that helped or bizarre connections and inane comments. I have been glued to the TV and my husband very concernedly asked me to distance myself for the sake of mental peace and control. But still I went back like I was addicted. 

I was crushed on knowing about Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan. Not because I knew him, we're from the same hometown in Kerala, it reminded me of the other brave soldier there who died fighting in the Kargil war, the road and maidan that were named after him then, the family and their raw pain is still fresh in my memory after all those years. Captain Vikram.

I cried along with his mom every time the clip came on TV and still I ddint understand what my angst was about. It should have ended then with the catharsis but it still didnt. I checked out his Orkut profile and all the snaps he recently loaded there, I heard his Dad talk about how he had a ticket booked for Calicut to attend his friend's wedding there and again I went back to the picture of him and his mom five minutes ago. And then I realised I knew her pain as a mother.

I knew, I can imagine what it must have felt like to have raised such a strapping, young, handsome man, see him so passionate about his life and work and feel the loss of control over his decision to take up such a job. Not knowing when and where he would be. Feeling proud of him but also living in fear. And now he was gone.  Her dreams, her life's work, going before her. The way she caressed him and spoke to him was something new to me. I hug my children, I talk to them but the sheer love and gentle strength in her persona was an eye-opener to me. I can see she was ravaged with the pain of losing him, a shocked, sad, pleading, loving, mom. Almost like she was saying 'nai mere bachche you're going to be ok.' Which is what I know I would tell my child if he or she went before me God forbid. That I knew they were going to be fine and it would only be a matter of time before I joined them where ever they are. Which is what I tell myself everytime I miss my Father. but I also saw how she knew what was going on, she was very much in control of herself, at least I felt so in the way she touched him. I would have frozen to a statue. She was grieving and bidding him good-bye, calling him 'mone' (son) over and over and thats when I realised why I had suddenly become so sensitive after having children. They make you vulnerable. I wouldnt beg for my own life but for them I would.

Everything in my life now is governed by what they would think, how they would feel, where should they be now, what should/could they be doing, I am forever seeing everything through their eyes. Thus the light stomach now.

We have travelling to do at the end of this month. Trepidation is a mild term for what I feel while thinking about it. I know for a fact if it was just me, I'd give a toss about anything. But putting myself in a situation like what happened at the Taj, makes me freeze. Where would I run with a 5 and 4 yr old? How would I keep them quiet? How can you make a 4 yr old understand? He would probably stare fascinated at the AK-47 and the man holding it.

What would I do? Break a window and signal to someone to catch the baby I throw out the window? There's no point in me hiding anywhere, kids would make that difficult. I personally am not afraid of death but its painful for me to think that I couldnt save my children's lives.  I know for a fact Nosh would never live it down. She still remembers things about my Fathers illness Iam surprised for. R was at Taj last year and few times before as were other relatives. Anyone who's been in Mumbai would know its like someone entering your home and you're helpless at the carnage the terrorists left behind. Nothing feels safe anymore. How can people function in a fear psychosis mode? 

How does the govt of India now go forward from here in keeping up the morale of the people, in making them feel they are being taken care of, their lives are valued? I mean a crore and a petrol station cant make up for a lifetime of pain and losing a loved one. Children growing up without their fathers and mothers going about like ghosts in a house that once echoed with the energy of her son and his life. Its too much to comprehend. What would Mrs. Dhanalakshmi Unnikrishnan have to look forward to now? She's another soul that has to live with grief and memories of her son who's so far away now, each minute spent awake without him must be torture. I know she must be proud of him, I know his life and death were honoured. But that doesnt and never will make up for the emptiness she must feel for losing her son. I dont know him but I miss him. I pretty much get the picture that he was a livewire of a man, loved his job, I felt and was correct when I read the messages on his profile left by his friends that he was a kind man with an adventurer's spirit. If he'd lived on he would have been the source of a lot of happy times in his family. I am writing this wondering what life would be like if it was my son and I was in his mom's place. I just feel anger at those misguided terrorists, kids themselves, brainwashed and so utterly stupid. Their stupidity caused this. Their callousness caused this. 

I dont know how sensible this sounds but once upon a time, I too was excited about life and its possibilities. Now though, everything for me begins and ends with my children. I hope Sandeep's Mom and Dad can find a semblance of acceptance and peace soon, I hope their life has enough and more family and people to fill it up with tenderness, generosity and love. So that they can live with the memory of their son and still live life the way Sandeep would have wanted them to.  I have the same prayer for everyone who lost someone in this carnage.