I'll say it right out at the beginning of the post that I'm counting on rambling to make some sense at the end of the post. Otherwise right now, everything I want to put down is just a bunch of images in my head and feelings in my entire body. Like mangly thoughts dripping from my fingers and thoughts swirling like smoke between my ears. Also - alarm bells ringing from cellulite deposits.
I'm not the most disciplined of people but thanks to my kids, I did manage to bring about a structural framework of discipline and we were working well around that. That is until something major normally happens to offset that arrangement and then it takes me days, weeks, months or even a year or so to get back on track depending on what derailed me. The last one was losing my father. The funny thing though is how should I put it - I didnt know it as being derailed bcos I was dealing with something. I just thought I wasnt in the mood, I was tired, there were other things to do, it never occurred to me that maybe there was just too much on my mind to be doing anything else. Has this happened to anyone else? Or is everyone else way more tuned in to themselves than me? I guess so.
So 7 months later, I see I'm coming back to a routine again, I am craving it, and it is easier to create and stick to. Simply because there are less things cluttering my mind. Which brings me to my question - how does one organise one's mind? There are a million and one ways to organise one's closet, small dining room, toothbrush holder and mutual funds. Why dont I see magazines that have articles like - 'Organise your mind - 20 ways to keep you on track'? or 'Declutter your thoughts in 5 minutes....find the space you've been looking for!?'
Is it because I've been muddled for so long that I dont recognise not being any other way? I dont know what it feels like to have a clear head? I don't know when abnormal's not normal anymore? Or does having family and kids not give you the luxury of grieving, thinking about things, time to reflect or ponder or ask questions and make sense because there's no time to cry or postponing crying means sometimes forgetting to catch up with it and you're left with ghostly pains and aches? I just realised that I miss my Dad most because I was special to him. I'm not 'that' special to anyone in that way anymore. Lol. You'd think that sort of realisation would come to a person first. It comes to me 33 years after I knew my father. But I welcome such an oasis of feelings in an otherwise arid trudging of life sometimes. I think it bridges a gap to the person I was and the person circumstances made me change into. It's like reaching out to an old me and being delighted at finding an old friend.
That brings me back to my reason for writing this post. Y'know those TV programmes we used to watch like The Wonder Years and Doogie Howser etc etc - does anyone really live like that? Is it possible? Where you're lucid enough to wrap up the goings on in your life, your experiences and the feelings and thoughts that resulted from it, compartmentalise them neatly, put them away for the summer, bring them out for the winter when you need them, jhatak them to take a look at them again and see how it fits in your life? How it fits you? Does it look good on you? Can you give it away? Are you done with it? Did you really use it? Is it worth holding on to? What did it do for you?
Do such people exist? I guess they do. I mean I might be at one end of the spectrum so obviously there's the opposite kind on the other. Right?
I guess it's that brain chemistry. Synapses and neurons that need to be rewired and changed. Hand on my forehead, its not easy, this business of living. If life taught you to be cautious, how dyou become a throw caution to the wind and run down the hill right now, for now person? You want to do it to see your children as free spirits, teach them that they have to create their own happiness but you look around feeling stupid wondering whether you'll sprain an ankle in the process or will people think you've lost it? How d'you stop them from rolling down the hill with dire warnings and images of broken ankles and banged heads? Because I dont want to stop them unnecessarily either.
I guess thats why people go away - retreats, holidays. Errr... how does a mom go away?
After typing that much, I paused for half a day, causing my husband to believe I was home, 'im'ming me when actually I was running various errands but didnt want to shut down the comp since I felt like there was incomplete business here. I know all you energy conservationists - I dont do this all the time. Just the times when I feel like maybe the answers around the corner and I dont want to block it yet.
I guess thats why moms need friends. Friends who are not their husbands and sisters and brothers. Friends who knew you. Friends who see the person you are and not the mother or daughter. Friends who share a history with you. Who might help you stay the original you were even as time and happenings and people change you. Friends you dont have to start at the beginning with. Friends who see something special about you despite the love handles and greying hair. Friends who believe and let you believe you're the best mom for your kids. Friends who think you could have married much better lol. Friends who let you ramble and make no sense. And thereby let you arrive at the right destination. With the right prodding and wrong assumptions. Friends who know at your darkest hour what you need unlike a husband who wants to fix your problem or a mom who tells you the politically correct things maybe. A friend who like your brain helps you think.
I guess moms go away to their friends.
10 comments:
That was penned very well ! You are absolutely right..that's what mom's friends are for orrrrr 'Blogs' are for...where we can be just us as a person and not playing a role of mother, daughter, wife etc.
see.. this is why i love you heaps!!!
Hi Nat, great rambling, loved your thought process. And maybe i read it in a hurry, suddenly i wasnt sure why you were talking about friends, till then i followed you, thought by thought, line by line. Not sure how friends could help you. If you mentioned a friend with a history, why not a bro or sis, they ahve a history too, and they dont fix/mother/daughter you. They listen you out too, dont they ? just asking that of myself now..
But im very conflicted too, when i stop and think, the different doctrines, the different philosophies that abound, especially in direct contrast with one another and you believe in a little bit of both, what do you do ? like lets say taoism and objectivism (one says be selfish, take pride in your work, the noblest of pursuits is human productivity) and taoism - which says be calm, you are not the doer of anything, just be, etc.
So my mind is in turmoil with these unnecessary information that i seek to gather and turn to people, and noone wants to hear you out or are not confused as much as i am nor want to share in my confusion. So I quite alone with my own thoughts, cuz what are the chances that the same person has read ayn rand and tao and now with the new Crime And Punishment i am reading, I am gettting to hear that suffering is good which i dont believe, of course and Ayn Rand says happiness is the natural state of human being and one should not suffer. So Im sure everyone is speaking of the same thing, and my interpretation with my limited knowledge, is so limited. And then i shove it all back, as i dont have time to sit and ponder and there are my children to put me on the go, for which i am mightily relieved. And think just live and then pass on, no deep thoughts, they dont get you anywhere !!:) but mind doesnt listen, does it ?:)
2b"smommy - thanks!
Shal - you know I was referring to u rt?
TAAMommy - I totally agree that sisters and brothers are right up there with friends. I run to them as often as if not more. But here so far away from all of them, my friends are sometimes physically closer for that 'let's have tea and chat moments'.
I used to do this whole 'reading to use as a yardstick to wonder where me and my life were going' too. I dont anymore. I do read but I've stopped using it as a example or yardstick. Simply bcos I feel now that no two lives/people can be compared. Everyone's life has its own unique orbit and these yardsticks sometimes cant be used to measure their worth. Of course one does these things to make sense of/better your life.
You can be a taoist and an objectivist too speaking for myself! It just depends on what I'm doing and what situation I'm applying it too. Therefore, I find it easier not to think about these things anymore. It becomes especially easy when things that so radically out of your control happen and you're forced to take the backseat and watch whats happening. Lol.
I welcome the kids as a distraction from the vagaries of worrying about life too but some things you do need to find closure to and put aside. The faster they are done, the better. At such times, I miss the rambling conversations one has with friends and family to get there.
Maybe Ayn Rand just meant it as an ideal that 'people arent meant to suffer, so find it instead of wallowing in suffering or thinking it's your lot' - but as far as I know the protagonists in her novels do go through quite a bit of agony and suffering.
After commenting on your post, i am was rambling the same to an inattentive hubby, who closes his ears but just keeps saying 'ahan ahan' with his mouth and I came upon the fact that they are all saying the same thing. Christians want you to enjoy suffering. Ayn Rand just says seek happiness in the midst of suffering. So the ultimate goal of all religion/philosophies is happiness, or enjoying your lot as suffering is a natural cause and like they say, it is a wheel. So at the outset, things look different, but they all culminate into one -'all paths lead to Rome'
And one more thing, she touts materialism and every other religion denounces it. Like they say everything in moderation. While all say 'shun pride', she says 'take pride in your work, in you' . Its just different words, but they all teach the same thing. I'm sure other religions would call it 'self respect' and Rand just calls it 'pride' when other religions say 'dont take pride' - hmm.. and like you said, diffrent situations call for different actions from us. - thus making our own religion for ourselves. following our own inner compass of goodness..
TAAMommy - so I can safely assume you could find closure for that it of confusion;)?
bit I meant.
Sometimes I wish there is a guide to tell me that I have to act on the path of righteousness, however bitter it is. And how someone keeps telling, the baby didnt come with instructions. But we forget that only manmade things come with instructions and for life, how to live it, all these societal settings of marriage, god, etc were created by man. And that, we truly have only ourselves to rely on, as we are as alone as we come. There is no instructions to live life that came down from the sky. We are all but accidents. All the rest just help us to live by some code, which we have to give it special meaning to. Oh Nat.. I am rambling in your comment section, but these thoughts have been with me for a while now.. I've always been curious about the meaning of life. but thats just it.. there is no meaning... there is no purpose..and anything that we do .. is ..i mean.. we just have to find our own code, our own path, so much to write ;), but T wants me to play with him - what a welcoming distraction :)
OMG nat! what a well-written post.. yes you are totally right about needing friends around - friends who are not family..
Being the only sister, I do sometimes wonder if things would've been less lonely for me if one of my siblings was a sister.. being a mom I find it too difficult to keep pace with friends I've once been really close to but hey sisters you can't really lose touch with right?
Coming to organizing thoughts in the head, Ive seen jotting down stuff on a paper works like a charm.. its like freeing the mind of thoughts and worries by physically transferring them onto a paper.. use nice crisp new sheet and a new sharpened pencil! you can always crumple and chuck away the sheets meant for your eyes only..
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