Everytime the kids go to sleep and I tuck them in is when I remember all the moments I rushed through the day and didnt notice what they were asking or saying or remarking about. and then i feel the tidal wave of regret and guilt. it was easier when they were non-talking babies bcos i had no qs to field and the day went on without much guilt. nowadays there's always a tug at my soul, a pulling back of me to wait, turn around and look....LOOK mama! Look at what Im doing, saying, wearing, eating, not eating, reciting, pretending, bathing, dirtying....
Somebody please tell me they wont remember the bad bits. Somebody please tell me the good bits will negate the bad. Somebody please tell me if the bad bits are still between us we'll be around and have enough communication to sort it out, explain, apologise and forgive. Somebody please tell me I'll actually convince them that it was painful for me too having my heart in two bits walking around outside of me doing their own thing. That you guys are not the only ones growing up. Iam too!
That Im trying to get it right and my only mantra is to be kind. That Im not sure of anything. Except that I feel nothing but the deepest of respect and love for you for braving it out in this world. I'm not scared. I know you'll do just fine.
I think I'll go read Calvin.
About Me
- Nat
- New York, New York, United States
- Come and join me for the adventures of my little ones! It's scary to put us out there but what the heck! We're in good company and it beats emailing LOL!
4 comments:
I was told once " there is only so much one can do..."..
I wanted to cherish every moment of my children's life.
I kept every single flower, card,drawing..etc they got for me..
I was upset when I couldn't do something they wanted me to do..
I never ever broke a promise. (which included baking fruit cake at 11 pm because Yaya had asked for it and I didn't get a chance to make it as I was on call that afternoon.)
Then someone told me..there is only so much one can do, one can keep, one can hold...
Hi Sarah,
Lol..me too! and now there's so many drawings and assorted 'craft projects' around that it was a torture session trying to decide which ones to keep and which ones to let go of.
I try not to break promises too. I dont want the innocence and and expectancy in children's eyes that I can answer/do/make whatever they want me to, to go from their eyes. Maybe thats why I'm running ragged sometimes.
Blessed the husband isnt half as demanding.....Thanking God for little mercies lol!!!
My 'now' take : there will be so much more i will want to add on, delete etc, cuz this is just such a loaded topic : i look at my mom, and i think about what i want from her as an adult now, as children , i dont have a clue as to how my childhood went as it was idyllic and you look at parents only after you are grownup. And what i would want from my mom is discipline in her day to day activities, grace, elegance, culture, kindness, love, charity, generous by spirit, humility, modesty , looking tidy, clean and having deep knowledge of certain things like either carnatic music or dance or religion or cooking or something, and hobbies to keep herself usefully occupied. My mom's got most, so i keep harping on mommy as to do this, dress this way, talk this way, etc. If my mom were all the above, i am sure i would find something else for her to attain. And i dont know if my children will want all this from me, but it is a great place to be, for me, and i am no where in all these above virtues and i have a lot to aim, achieve and train myself before my kids start noticing that mommy is not disciplined, mommy is not graceful, mommy is not elegant, etc. I think your post was about what they will take away from their childhood and i wrote something else, but i enjoyed writing it and hopefully will bring me closer to what i want to be.
Mommy, you should read Anne's Diary. She talks about what she expects from her mommy. A 13 year old girl's view. Excellent read.
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