You know there are those times when you're still reeling and trying to make sense of your relationship with your mother? Things she said, she did, she didnt do, she didnt say that you feel you could have been happier without/not knowing/benefited/learnt from?
Honestly those are things that are always on my mind. I'm always stuck with the 'why's? and why did this have to happen this way, wish I could have handled it better, wish i knew then what I know now plane. Like a running commentary in the back of my head, especially now that I am a mom and I hear her words coming out of my mouth, when I find myself running a few things in my life the way she did, it never fails to amaze me that your mother is always on your mind. Not your Dad, not your anyone else as much as this person is. Well yea Dad too but 'd put that at a 90% and 60% deal.
So the next thing is that you wonder if she's so much on your mind, what will my kids be thinking when they're far away from me? Does everything I say and everything I do just stamp itself on their psyche like mine is? I mean we dont talk about our moms all through school and college? They're there, the odd tiffs and good times are talked about with your closest friends but now as a mom, that relationship just charges itself to the front of my foremost thoughts.
The object of this post was - I'm always wondering whether my children will forgive me for the silly mistakes I make. And these are stupid things mind you (not for me though)- ignoring them while I'm on the phone, promises not kept like tonight I will read that book or tommorow I will take you to the park and sometimes they dont happen. I hate those times, I feel like a failure then. Those times when you're brusque or rude and just not there. Emotionally.
Yesterday I noticed Nosh had set her bedside table in a really pretty manner, there was a placemat (which she herself had picked and shopped for in India), she had managed to find a matching envelope holder that I had chucked away in the same colours as the placemat but it had flowers on it. She put a beady, hanging trinkets kind of hair elastic band around a pen holder and her shoebox of sleeping baby dolls on top of the placemat. Apparently she had been literally dangling from my hand to show me the arrangement while I was on a really important phonecall so I locked myself in the bathroom instead. I saw it the next day as I was dressing her up for school and I'm not one of those 'your scribbles look great, lets have a party kind of moms', I'll give it the rating it deserves acc to age. So this was such a nice arrangement that I couldnt help but marvel at her creativity, the fact that a five year old was decorating her bedside table and how nicely at that. So it obviously showed on my face and in my words and she was pleased. Then she mentioned how it had been done yesterday and she had been trying to show me. Aarghghgh.
The first thing that went through my mind was that I had no recollection whatsoever. Secondly that I remember as kids how so in the moment we are and enjoying what we do and how thrilled we are to have our parents see and appreciate what we did and this kid just happily postponed her 'I'll get my mom to see it and tell me what she thinks of it later' so maturely. If I was in her place, I would have been mighty miffed and probably would have taken it all apart out of sheer aaaa who cares attitude.
So I apologised so sure that no, she was going to make me feel bad, really bad about this, I dont even deserve to be forgiven (keep in mind that in my head its a series of such situations and not a one-time thing) but she did. She's tall enough now that when she's standing on the bed my head would be on her chest. So I hugged her and said I was sorry and she very matter of factly said its ok mamma and in a lets move on way, asked me "so - you really like it?"
It was over for her.
Set me thinking - why am I holding on to all these grudges and that too silly things, one point in a moment of time that might have had a hundred things going on for my mom or dad and here I am till today, carrying the memory or the pain and wondering why did it have to happen this way. My five year old is more mature than Iam.
I still am, who Iam despite the good times and the bad and I didnt turn out too bad. So congrats mom and dad, I think you did a great job (if I may say so myself) in raising the four of us, personally feel you got better with each kid lol.
About time I put those things that made me angry/sad/host of other feelings on that level aside. High time. Thanks Nosh.
Honestly those are things that are always on my mind. I'm always stuck with the 'why's? and why did this have to happen this way, wish I could have handled it better, wish i knew then what I know now plane. Like a running commentary in the back of my head, especially now that I am a mom and I hear her words coming out of my mouth, when I find myself running a few things in my life the way she did, it never fails to amaze me that your mother is always on your mind. Not your Dad, not your anyone else as much as this person is. Well yea Dad too but 'd put that at a 90% and 60% deal.
So the next thing is that you wonder if she's so much on your mind, what will my kids be thinking when they're far away from me? Does everything I say and everything I do just stamp itself on their psyche like mine is? I mean we dont talk about our moms all through school and college? They're there, the odd tiffs and good times are talked about with your closest friends but now as a mom, that relationship just charges itself to the front of my foremost thoughts.
The object of this post was - I'm always wondering whether my children will forgive me for the silly mistakes I make. And these are stupid things mind you (not for me though)- ignoring them while I'm on the phone, promises not kept like tonight I will read that book or tommorow I will take you to the park and sometimes they dont happen. I hate those times, I feel like a failure then. Those times when you're brusque or rude and just not there. Emotionally.
Yesterday I noticed Nosh had set her bedside table in a really pretty manner, there was a placemat (which she herself had picked and shopped for in India), she had managed to find a matching envelope holder that I had chucked away in the same colours as the placemat but it had flowers on it. She put a beady, hanging trinkets kind of hair elastic band around a pen holder and her shoebox of sleeping baby dolls on top of the placemat. Apparently she had been literally dangling from my hand to show me the arrangement while I was on a really important phonecall so I locked myself in the bathroom instead. I saw it the next day as I was dressing her up for school and I'm not one of those 'your scribbles look great, lets have a party kind of moms', I'll give it the rating it deserves acc to age. So this was such a nice arrangement that I couldnt help but marvel at her creativity, the fact that a five year old was decorating her bedside table and how nicely at that. So it obviously showed on my face and in my words and she was pleased. Then she mentioned how it had been done yesterday and she had been trying to show me. Aarghghgh.
The first thing that went through my mind was that I had no recollection whatsoever. Secondly that I remember as kids how so in the moment we are and enjoying what we do and how thrilled we are to have our parents see and appreciate what we did and this kid just happily postponed her 'I'll get my mom to see it and tell me what she thinks of it later' so maturely. If I was in her place, I would have been mighty miffed and probably would have taken it all apart out of sheer aaaa who cares attitude.
So I apologised so sure that no, she was going to make me feel bad, really bad about this, I dont even deserve to be forgiven (keep in mind that in my head its a series of such situations and not a one-time thing) but she did. She's tall enough now that when she's standing on the bed my head would be on her chest. So I hugged her and said I was sorry and she very matter of factly said its ok mamma and in a lets move on way, asked me "so - you really like it?"
It was over for her.
Set me thinking - why am I holding on to all these grudges and that too silly things, one point in a moment of time that might have had a hundred things going on for my mom or dad and here I am till today, carrying the memory or the pain and wondering why did it have to happen this way. My five year old is more mature than Iam.
I still am, who Iam despite the good times and the bad and I didnt turn out too bad. So congrats mom and dad, I think you did a great job (if I may say so myself) in raising the four of us, personally feel you got better with each kid lol.
About time I put those things that made me angry/sad/host of other feelings on that level aside. High time. Thanks Nosh.
6 comments:
aargh! I SOOO hear you:-( 5 year olds are marvellous aren't they? mine is also truly a case of child being the father of man and all that!By the way, have i told you lately that i lurrve you gurrl?:-)Your blogging reminds me a lot of the rambling letters we used to write to each other -aah those days of Yemotional venting huh?
I ended up at your blog from another one that I follow. Given my state of mind right now, this topic you discuss here couldn't be any closer to my heart. Thanks. Will visit often:)
How nice, Nat!
aww, that's a good job nosh did right there.
and you're right, we have so much to learn from kids - lessons they forget themselves as they grow older, but if we learn them we can teach it back to them!
Such a lovely girl!
It's really a pretty arrangement, and she is such a sunny-natured darling:)
Wow, what insight !!, we all do think about our moms so much more and appreciate them so much more, now as a mom ourselves and i hope every mom gets their chance of true and full appreciation by having a grandchild. no wonder they love the grandkids so much :)
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