Nomad in Nat

I've been feeling like a floating piece of driftwood for most of my life. Earlier it used to be a vague feeling which whether I wanted to or not came with me everywhere I went. I never had the time or the resources to actually wait and find out what it was all about. There was always something to do or other things happening which took my attention away even if only till the vague feeling reasserted itself again.

I still don't know what it is except yesterday when I was doing my work around the house, I passed by the front foyer and looked up at the main door and suddenly it struck me that there might and most probably will be another move sometime in the future, I dont know when or why but this might not be the house which will hold all the memories of my children before they get married and move out or just move for whatever reasons. As it is since I had Nosh we moved thrice. There's a bunch of memories I have of her when she was born in one house, one set in another and now many here. Reh as well. Even though it's not what I want for myself or my kids, I've been moving countries, houses, rooms and people all my life. Even though I thought I was fine with it, I feel now I am not.

I think the feeling was one of not fully belonging.

I envy cousins and friends who know their neighbourhoods and the people in them like the back of their hands. Whose sense of confidence and familiarity and pizazz comes from knowing they know their turf, they're on it and their concerns and life issues are way different from mine. They're not trying to grow roots or blend in. they're not trying to fit in. They already are in and they have moved on to other areas in life worth conquering and achieving. They have relationships that are rock solid. Or not but they still had the chances. They've understood how to read people because they've been with them long enough to see all sides. Their lives can be measured in concrete milestones, milestones that they laid out out with other people their age around them.

Is that feeling of coming home for me only fleeting? Every few years is there going to be another mat at the front door to greet me? Other trees asking me how I'm doing or how my day went? Other facades of different houses opening a slit in their otherwise closed eyes to shrug a momentary welcome? Different smells in different neighbourhoods making me feel like I just entered another party and soon it's going to be time to go?

Everytime I have moved, I've made it a habit once my belongings were out to come back and touch those bare walls again, to take away with me the essence of the place or the feel of the life I had there. Even hostel rooms. I've retained it all with me but this is not what I want for my children. It's not. I have also left behind big giant pieces of myself that I miss.

I do want them to take themselves wherever their fancy drives them. I do want them to explore every nook and cranny of the world. When they come home though I want it to be the same thing they remember from their earliest memories. The same trees, the same roads, the same dining table and sofa by the window and the same smells. The same soup bowl If I can help it. I dont want them to leave pieces of themselves behind in every house they move. I dont want them to leave pieces of themselves behind in the people they leave. I want the sameness for them that means 'I'm home'. Just enough surprises and different things in the same house that let them know mom and dad've been busy but the same framework, the same skeleton of a routine, feel, warmth, welcome and expectations and familiarity.

I want to remember my kids by the same windows, walking down the same paths coming or going, playing in the same backyard just getting bigger, the games getting different. Friends coming and going down the same front door, hopefully one or two will remain the same, there will different ones always. I want them to remember their achievements and failures sitting on the same toilet or switching channels on the same sofa. Know whats to eat in which cupboard. Know blindfolded that the cereal will be in this cupboard and the milk in this side of the refrigerator by that cupboard. Know there used to be a neighbour in the house next to ours who always made a big deal of them. That there were some on the other side who were around for years but you only saw them when they came out to put the trash or lights out for Christmas/Thanksgiving or Halloween. Know that the schools they studied in and passed out of are still around the corner if they want to catch up with pieces of themselves they left behind or just permanently say good-bye to. That the teachers they loved might still be around if they wanted to share news with or just keep up relationships with.

That the snow, spring, hot summers and winters just mean doing the same things we've been doing together as a family forever whether listening to their Dad moan about having to clean the sidewalk or putting the pool out to splash around in. Lemonade or hot chocolate.

I want the familiarity of their growing up in the same home and neighbourhood in the coming years to be their strength and for it to be woven so intimately with every year of their lives growing up that they know for sure who they are and where they're going. Also where they'll come back whenever they want. Thrive in it.